32 Of The Funniest Lines From The Princess Bride

The Princess Bride has a great story, sure, it’s the funny lines that keep us all coming back again and again. With an all-star delivering some of the best lines ever written, by author William Goldman, who also wrote the book it’s based on. It’s a movie fans can watch over and over and over. It would be impossible to include every line on a list like this without just typing up the whole script, so here are just a few of our favorite quotes from The Princess Bride. In no particular order.

My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men, and you think a little head-jiggle is supposed to make me happy? – Westley

After Westley (Cary Elwes) is saved by Miracle Max, he, Inigo, and Fezzick strategize on how to best storm the castle to rescue Buttercup (Robin Wright). Since Westley isn’t fully recovered, Fezzick tries to encourage him by celebrating him for moving his head. Westley knows they need more than a head jiggle to win the battle.

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Let me put it this way. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates? Morons – Vizzini

Vizzini (Wallace Shawn) is a wonderful character and a terrible man. Hired to start a war, he thinks he is much smarter than he actually is. Comparing yourself to three of the most important philosophers of Western thought is pure hubris. Of course, he would come to regret it, but not for long.

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You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. – Inigo

“Inconceivable” is Vizzini’s favorite word, and he never misses an opportunity to use it. It’s conceivable that he’s not always using it correctly, as Inigo (Mandy Patankin) points out as they stand above the cliff waiting for the unidentified pursuer to reach them.

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Anybody want a peanut? – Fezzick

One of the funniest moments in the whole movie comes as Ingio, Vezzini, and Fezzick (Andre The Giant) sail away from Florin with their captive, Buttercup, in tow. Fezzick has “a great gift of rhyme” and when Vizzini says “No more rhymes and I mean it,” Fezzick responds with his gem.

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Have fun stormin’ da castle. – Miracle Max

The character Miracle Max provided Billy Crystal with some of the best lines of his career, including one that has probably been quoted by people more often than any other in The Princess Bride. It works for so many occasions.

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You fell victim to one of the classic blunders – the most famous of which is “never get involved in a land war in Asia” – but only slightly less well-known is this: “Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line”! – Vizzini

Vizzini is extremely confident in his abilities. So much so that he assumes the battles of wits ended before it even began when Westley, as the Dread Pirate Roberts, challenged him to the dual. We all know how that worked out for the Sicilian. HA.

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You mean, you’ll put down your rock and I’ll put down my sword, and we’ll try and kill each other like civilized people? – Westley

After Westley bests Inigo with his sword, his next challenge is taking on the giant Fezzick. Vizzini wants Fezzick to take Westley out with a rock. Fezzick, the sweetheart that he is, doesn’t think that is very fair, so he challenges Westley to a fistfight that the pirate still doesn’t think is very fair.

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I’m not a witch, I’m your wife. But after what you just said, I’m not even sure I want to be that any more. – Valerie

Miracle Max’s wife, Valerie (Carol Kane), is as funny a character as Max himself is. This list could just be lines from the two of them, if we’re honest. Still, maybe the most memorable one is after Max rudely calls her a witch, even if that’s kinda what she is, it’s still not polite. She lets him know, too.

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Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. – Inigo

This, without much debate, is the most iconic line in The Princess Bride. Maybe because Inigo repeats it six times in the movie, or maybe because revenge is the character’s sole motivation. It’s really because it’s just such a great line and, after the fifth time he utters it, when Count Rugen (Christopher Guest) tells him to “stop saying that,” we’re all up and cheering.

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You’ve been mostly-dead all day. – Fezzick

Before they storm the castle, Westley is awoken from his death and wonders what is going on and when he doesn’t feel well. Fezzick explains he’s only been mostly dead, not all dead.

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Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. Buttercup is marry Humperdinck in little less than half an hour. So all we have to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the princess, make our escape… after I kill Count Rugen. – Inigo

While Westley is out of commission a lot happens. Inigo feels like he needs to explain, but with Buttercup getting married, there isn’t much time. So he sums it all up nicely for Westley and the audience.

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You ARE the Brute Squad! – Miracle Max

Miracle Max isn’t really interested in helping Inigo and Fezzick and threatens to call the Prince’s brut squad. Fezzick tells him he’s part of the squad and after Max eyes him up and down, he decides it’s best to help them.

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The man I inherited it from is not the real Dread Pirate Roberts either. His name was Cummerbund. The real Roberts has been retired 15 years and living like a king in Patagonia.’ – Westley

There is just something so funny about a pirate named after a part of a tuxedo. Cummerbund is a silly name for anyone, especially a pirate. If no one will surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley, surely no one will even listen to the Dread Pirate Cummerbund!

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And YOU: friendless, brainless, helpless, hopeless! Do you want me to send you back to where you were? Unemployed, in Greenland? – Vizzini

Vizzini really has no patience for anything or anyone. Without Fezzick, whom he yells at her, his plan to start a war between Florin and Guilder wouldn’t be possible. Is Vizzini going to climb the Cliffs of Insanity by himself? He needs the giant.

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There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there’s usually only one thing you can do. Go through his pockets and look for loose change. – Miracle Max

It’s a good thing that Inigo and Fezzick find Miracle Max. They don’t even understand the difference between mostly dead and all dead. It’s also lucky they found Westley in the Pit of Despair so quickly, otherwise they would just be going through his pockets as the credits rolled.

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Hold it, hold it. What is this? Are you trying to trick me? Is this a kissing book? – Grandson

When the grandpa (Peter Falk) comes over to read his grandson (Fred Savage) The Princess Bride, he tells him about all the exciting stuff in the book, but the unnamed grandson is still skeptical. When Westley and Buttercup kiss for the first time, the grandson has had enough and wonders just what kind of book this is.

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My way’s not very sportsman-like. – Fezzick

Fezzick, like Andre the Giant in real life, is just a sweet guy with a scary body. When he asks Vizzini what “his way” is in taking out the masked Westley, Vizzini tells Fezzick to hit him in the head with a rock. Fezzick, bless his heart, doesn’t think highly of that idea. Fisticuffs it is!

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Mawwige is whut bwings us togevveh today. – The Impressive Clergyman

Really, the whole marriage (or Mawwige) ceremony as presented by “The Impressive Clergyman” is hilarious. It’s not just the “Mawwige” line. The clergyman, played by legendary British comedian Peter Cook, struggles through the whole thing until he’s forced to say “man and wife.”

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Ah, there you are. Inigo, I saw the Prince’s stables, and there they were, four white horses. And I thought, there are four of us, if we ever find the lady. Hello lady! – Fezzick

One great example of just how thoughtful and sweet Fezzick the giant is comes at the end of the movie when he finds four horses for the team to ride – if they find the lady. Hello lady!

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Oh, my sweet Westley! What have I done? – Buttercup

Buttercup doesn’t get many purely comedic moments in the movie. Her funniest line isn’t really for the line itself, but for what happens immediately after it. When Buttercup pushes the masked Westley down the steep hill, only to hear him say that famous line “as you wish,” she hurls herself down with him and all props to the stunt double for the way they took that hill, it’s a hilarious bit of physicality as she bumps herself down the hill.

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You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. – Miracle Max

Miracle Max is willing to help but on his own timetable. Inigo tries to explain they are in a hurry, as Buttercup is about to marry, but as Max explains, you can’t rush a good miracle. And don’t go swimming for a good hour, either.

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Yes, you’re very smart. Shut up. – Grandpa

Peter Falk’s grandfather character is very patient with his grandson, but even he has his limits. You have to figure that towards the end of the story, even he is tired and wants to wrap things up, so when the grandson says he “knew” that Buttercup wouldn’t marry Humperdink, Grandpa tells him to shut up. It’s one of the most underrated lines in the whole movie.

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I only dog paddle. – Fezzick

When Buttercup jumps into the water to escape her kidnappers, she doesn’t count on the screeching eels. Inigo can’t save her because he doesn’t swim, and poor Fezzick only dog paddles.

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I wasn’t nervous. Maybe I was a little bit concerned, but that’s not the same thing. – Grandson

When Buttercup is in the water with the eels, the grandson is tightly clinching his blanket. This prompts the grandfather to explain that Buttercup will be fine. Keeping his cool, the grandson recovers and tells his grandfather he is actually nervous.

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EVERYBODY MOVE! – Fezzick

When Inigo and Fezzick are rushing to rescue Westley and Buttercup, they face a mob of peasants blocking their route. Luckily all it takes is one big scream to move from Fezzick to clear a path.

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Murdered by pirates is good… – Grandson

At first, the grandson is looking for any reason to like the story. A farm boy being murdered by pirates is a good start, apparently. At least it’s not a kissing book.

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Humperdinck! Humperdinck! Humperdinck! – Valerie

Carol Kane matches Billy Crystal beat for beat as Miracle Max’s wife Valerie. One of her best lines is all about her delivery, just repeating the prince’s name over and over, driving Max crazy. It also spurs him to action.

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Am I going MAD, or did the word “think” escape your lips? You were not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic land mass. – Vizzini

No one delivers an insult like Wallace Shawn and, as Vizinni, he’s full of them. Like laying into Fezzick after the giant dared to think about killing Buttercup. Fezzick is right, but Vizinni is really funny.

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You surely are a meanie. – Fezzick

One line that really slips under the radar is when Fezzick tracks down a very drunk Inigo and tries to sober him up. Inigo is full of insults, and Fezzick lets him know as only he can, nicely.

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You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those years ago. You’ve been chasing me your whole life only to fail now? I think that’s about the worst thing I’ve ever heard. How marvelous. – Count Rugen

Of all the cast members, Christopher Guest is one of the funniest writers and directors, but his role as Count Rugen is so understated (and great) that he doesn’t have a lot of laugh-out-loud lines. The best exception is after he stabs Inigo, but before Inigo recovers.

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He’s right on top of us. I wonder if he is using the same wind we are using. – Inigo

As the kidnappers make their way to the Cliffs of Insanity, Inigo can’t help but think the mysterious boat behind them is following them. Vizinni may think it’s just a local fisherman, but the audience (and Inigo) know better.